Learning

Has it really been over a month since I last posted. So much has happened in one month. My children started school again. I started teaching music again. I found out I was healthy and paid quite a lot to find that out. But my husband just looks at me and touches my face and says. Isn't it wonderful that you are o.k. ? He loves me. I like that.

I lead worship for a women's retreat and found some of my confidence for doing that kind of thing return to me. Not so much confidence in myself, but in God being able to use me like that again. Again, my husband supported me through the whole thing. Love him.

I have learned that I cannot possibly do everything. From grave mistakes that I made last year. Loading my boat so full of stuff I had to do that I did not even have time to see the beauty right in front of me. I don't do well in that environment. I know this aboout myself now and, while I realize that being stretched is sometimes a growing experience, when it is not God stretching you but you stretching you because you simply took too much on, it just hurts you and those around you. Kind of freeing to embrace that.

I have learned that I have still not dealt with my anger issues that I had when I was younger. I just stuufed them. Anybody ever do this? They just come bubbling to the surface and shock takes you over. Not fun. When I got prayed for about this issue, this sweet lady told me that it was bubbling to the surface because God wanted me to deal with it and get it out of my life. Probably true. Unless you see something you cannot face it. I kind of like prettier things bubbling up out of me though. Just because I like pretty things. Things that sparkle. Things that shine. One more thing to work on but I know His grace is sufficient for that.

I have learned that I love to hear my two year olds feet thunder across the wood floor in my house because of the life that she holds in that tiny little body. She just makes me want to live and experience life every day. She is never still except when she sleeps. I love this about her even when I am exhausted from it. Ha!

You should try this. Write down the things you have learned in the last month. It will amaze you. Many people in the Word called Jesus Teacher. Why should we think it stopped when He ascended into heaven. He has so many things that He wants to show us about Him, His creation and about ourselves. Why? Because He wants to know you and , without a doubt, wants you to know Him. Try it.

All Things are Possible

²³Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. ²⁴Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

²⁵When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"

²⁶Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I have heard this verse so many times in the last two weeks. Think God is trying to tell me something? Ha! It has been ringing in my ears by the tune of a song that one of my friends wrote. My two year old has been singing the same song in the back seat...randomly. I heard it on a sermon that my best friend encouraged me to listen to. I hear it in God's still small voice. He says, "but with me all things are possible." I think that I like the b-u-t. I feel like Peter right now. Looking at the impossible storm while walking on the water. I almost start to sink into the waves and then I catch a glimpse of his face, unmoved and serene. His eyes look through me and seem to say, " but with Me all things are possible."

Then i come to him with my b-u-t. But God the doctor is saying this. but God I don't think this relationship will ever be mended. But God we don't have the money to fix this.... The list goes on and on in my mind of all of the things that I am looking at now, standing in the ocean of worry instead of peace. Then i catch a glimpse of His eyes.

My best friend ,when she was in labor with her second child, was hitting transition, which can be very painful. We had all been helping her through the pain of delivery up until that point and , honestly, she had been doing a wonderful job of handling the pain. When she got to transition and the baby was saying, "let me out of here!" all she wanted to see was her husbands face. It was very amusing to all of us at the time because she was looking at him and saying, All I want to see are his eyes, his face, etc. She was so focused on his face that she got through the pain and was able to beautifully deliver her first little boy into the world.

It was amusing at the time but now I find that it is inspiring to me. i should be like that every day. I should be so focused on Jesus that I walk on the water over my problems. I believe with God all things are possible. Just my two cents...

Peace

O.k. so I finally feel like I have worked through some things that I have needed to for a long time. Things that have held me back and made me bitter. Things that have corrupted and hurt the person that I know I am. Finally, I feel peaceful. Like I have overcome these things that have done nothing but destroy. Peaceful.

I am a sensitive person. Full of a lot of flaws. I have learned to embrace some of those flaws and also learned that some of them have to go. One of them is allowing other peoples words to steal my peace. I find I can be walking along completely peaceful and content in that fact and someone can say one word and I am in turmoil. I mean that one word can totally destroy the peace that I have been enjoying. The peace that only God can give.

Now, I am learning that God is always able to give me this peace.One of my friends describes it like a waterfall. Always falling and beautiful. Totally refreshing and constructive. Healing and washing away all that is not of God. Everything that is not peaceful gets washed into the water. It is always there. It is up to me to step under that peace and stay there. Or it is up to me to step out from under it and let the troubles of this world weigh me down again. It is up to me.

When people speak to me and one word can change how I feel it is not their fault it is mine if I let what they have said steal my peace. In essence they have not stolen my peace, I have stepped out from under it and lost it all on my own.

I have been practicing lately. Every time that happens to imagine myself stepping right back into that wonderful waterfall and not allowing a word or an action steal my peace. One of the last things that Jesus said before He left this earth was, " Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled..." John 14:27. I think that says it all. He left it here. It is always here. He never changes so it is that way even this day. He love me. He gave His peace. It is up to me to stay in it.

Music

All of my life music has been a part of me. I was born singing. I think i actually came out of the womb singing. I have recordings that my dad and mom took of me at 18 months old singing on key and knowing every word. I am not bragging , it is just such an enormous part of the person I am. When you have something in your life that is as big as music is to me. You know, something that is just so much a part of you , you would not even begin to know how to tell someone to do it for themselves. I started teaching music at the small Christian school that my children attend. I actually started to panic because I had no idea how to tell them about music. Because ,with me, music just is.

Yesterday we went to a small concert of a Christian recording artist that I had listened to when I was a child. His style is so melodic and so edifying I would close my eyes and just listen. Beautiful music is like water to a weary soul.

As a mom with three precious and very amazing children, I don't get to feed that part of myself as much as I would like. I felt refreshed from the music and refreshed by getting to spend time with my sweet husband. I just want to encourage you to feed those parts of you that you might feel have died. Those things in you like art and music. Or maybe you have the gift of conversation and have not talked to a human in days. Go talk to someone.For my nine year old, it is birdwatching. He loves to photograph and draw and watch birds. For my friend, it is writing. She is a very gifted writer. For my husband, it is playing the piano or hunting. Getting out in nature and just soaking up God's beautiful creation.Edify yourself. You will feel more refreshed and more able to run the race. Psalm 45:1 "My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite verses for the king"

I think the Psalmist was referring to a gift that God had given to him. Getting to recite his poetry was a way to feed his soul.His heart was stirred by it. He was refreshed by it. If you love to paint, go paint something. If you love to sing , go sing or hear someone sing. If you love to garden, go plant something.

Just my two cents...

Hebrews 12

The whole of Hebrews 12 is so good. Especially when you read from the Message version of the New Testament. I know, I know. Some of you might not like that translation but it is so easy to read and it is in our everyday language that we use today. I read the first part of Hebrews 12 last night and it meant so much more to me now, that I have seen what things like discontentedness can do. In the message it says "strip down, start running and never quit! No extra spiritual fat or parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we are in." Parasitic sins? Who has some of those. I know I do. It sometimes feels like they are stuck to me with Gorilla Glue and I can't get them off.

I was having serious problems with discontentedness. It was causing discord in my family and in my own life with Christ. God was so faithful to reveal this to me one day while I was working through something with my husband. Here's how it goes....Discontentedness breeds bitterness and bitterness breeds contempt and contempt breeds conflict. Any of those things sound like something true or lovely or anything that God says that we are supposed to think about? No way! It made havoc with my life. BUT GOD.... oh I love those to words... in all of His amazing faithfulness, revealed what that parasitic sin was in my life. He shined His light on it and made it shrivel up just like the wicked witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. Sorry for that analogy but I could not think of a better one.His light broke me free and ever since that day I feel lighter and more peaceful. More able to run the race that Jesus ran for all of us. He ran it and did it perfectly. Now, I know we are not perfect but I so strive to run that race free of those things that have tried to weigh me down. Those parasitic sins that just breed more sin and then render you useless. Think about that. If the enemy can weigh you down, you can't run and if you cannot run, you cannot do the amazing things that God Himself has called you to do. I love it when His light hits me and reveals those things that try to weigh me down. When we can see them it makes it soooooooo much easier to flick them off and keep running.

See you at the finish line!

The Other Side

What is the other side? To those moving up in years it is when they cross over to be with Jesus in heaven. For some it is their side of a conflict. For others it is the water on the other side of the desert they have been walking through. The desert. Figuratively it is used a lot to describe lonely and dry times in our walk with the Lord. Times when we don't see Him but trust that He is there. Those times are filled with battles that we feel too tired to fight.Yet somehow we find the stregnth to fight them. Plain and simple I have learned that the strength that we find has not come from us. He is and always will be our strength.

From childhood, fear was a very large part of my life. I feard what would happen to me when i grew up, I feared the dark, I feared what people thought of me. There are still those days that I am paralyzed with fear of the unknown or irrational things that could happen. Might happen.

Those are interesting words...could...might. There is nothing concrete about those words at all. There is nothing about those words that can gaurantee me anything. I like the word "will". In John 14:14 it says,"You may ask Me for anything in My name and I WILL do it." Yeah, I think that "will" is a really great word. I can trust in those words. So as a person that is learning that coming to the other side is a constant thing in her life. Because, let's face it, our lives are moving pictures. They don't stop for us. They are changing everyday. It is a beautiful thing. I just have to relinquish the control and enjoy the change. Fight when I have to and trust that He is always with me, not just on the other side but right where I am.

Broken and Better For It

This week I went up to North Texas to visit family. I did not sleep very much. Every time I would close my eyes I felt like there was a weight that would come and press itself down on my chest. Then thoughts would fill my mind about all that is going on right now in my life and my families life. I just felt like I could not hold anymore. I finally broke a couple of days ago. I had to lay down. I had not slept in so long. I thought I would take a short nap while two year old slept. I did not get a nap. Instead, I got a flood of tears and emotions and feelings that I had been holding inside for a long time came rushing out faster than I could hold them in. I called my friend. I just needed someone to hear what a "great" person I was. She was faithful. Proverbs 27:6 says" The wounds of a friend are faithful". I heard her speak the truth to me and with the truth comes revelation. It just confirmed all of the things I had already been thinking.

SO ...finally broken. Yea!!!!!!!! It felt so good to just break and give it all to God. I had been trapped by my feelings and desires. That rainbow that I talked about in my last post. I was trapped by my own rainbow! Funny? A little. But still trapped. Not trapped anymore. I am now aware. Aware that what may seem like a rainbow can bind you and hurt the people that love you most. Thank you friend for the truth and thank you God for the precious hand that pressed on my chest every night so that I could not ignore the glaring trap that I was in. Thank You Jesus for the healing balm that you placed in my heart after it was broken.

You know the funny thing is. I was so attached to that rainbow I was talking about that I could not see all the dreams that I have been praying so long for are coming true. Maybe not how I saw them panning out but God knows how they are supposed to be. Not me. Crazy control freak! Got to work on that. Maybe next time...